The Battle of Wits
by AdventureAddict
Summary: Oneshot. What happens when two bored brothers with brilliant minds get on a train together? Why, they start a battle of wits, of course! Now the determined blond and his calm brother are having an argument... Just for the sake of having an argument.


Ed sighed and slumped in the chair of the train, wiping sweat from his forehead. He and Al had just had a spar before getting on the train, and Ed had lost to Al once again, much to Ed's dismay.

He was hot, sweaty, and knowing the way train rides usually went, he had the feeling he was going to be bored soon enough.

"It's okay, Brother," Al assured him as he sat down on the seat across from Ed. "You'll win one of these days." Ed crossed his arms and stared out the window sullenly.

"Of course I will," Ed said stubbornly. "Determination will triumph!"

"About the same way as your determination to never change your clothes?" Al laughed, noticing how battered Ed's usual red coat had managed to become during their fight. Ed turned and looked at Al with a mischievous smirk.

"Well, at least not changing my clothes is better than not changing a loincloth," Ed said in reply. Al cocked his head for a second before he realized what was going on. He would have grinned at Ed in response if he had a mouth to grin with.

"It hardly matters when you've got no flesh and blood body to cause it to smell like a human's been wearing it," Al countered, and Ed's grin widened slightly before Al continued, "Those boxers unnerve me. You know, not having a nose has its benefits."

"I'd prefer having a nose to a stupid horn on my head," Ed responded after a second. "At least I get some use out of it."

"The horn on my head helps me to receive signals from space, and I've heard that the aliens want their shrimp back. What's your nose told you?" Al replied instantly, and Ed crinkled his nose in thought.

"My nose can at least tell me useful things like how my brother smells like the wet dogs from the last town. Your horn is just giving you nonsense," Ed said triumphantly before adding with a impish grin, "And they can't have their shrimp back, I ate it, and it was tasty."

Um...Brother? My armor can't absorb smells, that's what fabric and skin do," Al said, and Ed scowled in response. "If you smell wet dogs, then that must mean that you smell like wet dogs.** "**And I'm not even gonna reply to that shrimp comment. it's just too easy," Al added with an amused tone to his voice.

"Of course armor can absorb smells. You were the one petting them anyway. I suppose you relate with the mutts," Ed snapped back playfully.

"How can I not? You're always telling me that you're a dog yourself, so I've learned to love dogs," Al sighed, and Ed grinned cockily at the words.

"Well, yes, it's hard not to love a purebred such as myself," Ed said smugly. He paused slightly and then added, "But the dogs you were petting were part poodle and part... something unrecognizable."

"Well, sadly, purebreds are technically a lot stupider than mutts, that's been proven, but we all love ya anyway," Al laughed.

"Stupider? And you're saying I'm the one with no brain?" Ed smirked, crossing his arms across his chest again. "Besides, you're the one that doesn't even physically _have_ a brain."

"I've evolved past the need for one," Al responded after a pause. "What's your excuse?"

"You've evolved? To evolve, my dear brother, doesn't one need to have babies to pass the traits onto?" Ed responded quickly with a smile. "Unfortunately, that's not going to happen anytime soon. Or maybe it's a blessing. Then we don't have to worry about your children roaming the earth."

"If we don't evolve within the context of our own lifetimes, we are a sad, sad little race," Al sighed, looking steadily at his brother. "Never mind that, I'm resigning. I don't want to belong to the same race as you since you don't believe in personal development."

Ed sighed before looking out the window again, pressing his forehead against the cool windowpane. He had really worked up a sweat after the sparring with Al, and to top it off the train wasn't very well air-conditioned.

"Why on earth did we start this, anyway?" Al said slowly, before snickering slightly. "A battle of wits is basically an argument for the fun of it, and you know that you never win against me," he laughed, while Ed's eyes narrowed.

"Grah," Ed responded simply.

"Grah what?" Al asked, cocking his head to one side.

"There's always a first for everything," Ed replied stubbornly.

"How are you going to get that 'first' if you don't believe in personal evolution? That requires evolving past me, and you don't seem to think you can do that," Al said. Ed huffed and jumped back into the game after a second of thought.

"Of course I believe I can get past you, I just don't see the point in such a simple victory," Ed retorted. "And of course there's personal development, I just don't see it in you. You're acting the same way as since mom first brought you home."

"Yeah, you remember that first time I came home?" Al laughed. "I looked in your eye, pointed my finger at you and said, "Boo!" Then you started crying and I said, "Hah! I win. Me: 1 Brother: 0"

"I was only crying because I realized I was going to be stuck with such a freak for the rest of my life," Ed said with a snort in Al's direction. "I mean, what kind of kid remembers life as a baby?"

"The kind of kid who learned early on to wet his pants every time I walked into the room, even on command if I wished it," Al shot back smugly, and Ed frowned.

"Even if I did wet my pants, which I didn't, it was only because I first thought that trolls were real once I had seen you."

"That was because I told you I was one and wanted to eat you," Al replied. "I also told you about the boogieman and the monster in your closet and the vampires waiting outside to suck your blood at night. I think that's why you grew up to be agnostic." Ed sighed and scuffed his shoe against the floor of the train.

"Well, any little kid might believe in things like that and be scared, but at least I wasn't the one who ran screaming from the room whenever mom started reading stories about unicorns," Ed replied after a second of thought.

"It wasn't the unicorns that freaked me out, it was the legend that they could only be approached by a virgin, and I didn't want to be one," Al replied quickly. "I was afraid that your permanent virginity would rub off on me."

"And just why were you so scared of a unicorn approaching you?" Ed said with a small frown. "Are the pure beasts too gentle for you?"

"No, I was afraid that if they approached me, it would mean I was still a virgin," Al said, noticing that a few people had looked up from what they were doing to watch the two brothers. "I woke up from a lot of nightmares like that, especially the ones where I saw you standing beside me."

"And as if you're one to talk about virginity, Mr. I-wanna-get-married," Ed said in response, barely able to stop himself from sticking out his tongue.

"Yeah, unlike you, I actually _am_ aware when someone looks my, or your way," Al scoffed, making Ed's frown deepen even more. "That's why it seems your virginity is a permanent state...Unless you meet a rough woman that decides to solve that problem for you."

"Hey, I'd rather get something accomplished in my life rather than getting distracted every time someone of the opposite sex looks my way. Besides, there are way too many girls looking at me to notice every single one," Ed replied with a cocky smirk, not hearing the scoff of a girl somewhere on the train.

"There is the occasional girl looking at you in the way you think, but most of them are wondering why you're so short. I know, I ask," Al replied, and Ed's jaw dropped in surprise, hoping desperately that Al was just joking.

"And why would you bother asking so many girls? Are you worried that you can't compete on my level?" Ed finnaly stammered angrily. He couldn't help himself when even Al resorted to short _and_ virginity insults. That was the sort of thing he expected from the Colonel Bastard, but not his brother.

"Mere curiosity," Al replied simply with a shrug. "I was wondering what was behind those strange looks on their faces. I would know a flirty look if I saw one, and that's not what they showed."

Ed frowned and crossed his arms, trying to think of something to say in response, but for once nothing was coming. He frowned, feeling the anger rising up deep within his chest. Al couldn't win again; Ed wouldn't let him.

"Well..." Ed started hesitantly before suddenly blurting out, "Your mom!" Al cocked his head as Ed felt blood rush to his face from the stupid outburst. "Wait..." Ed said slowly, realizing that if Al was his brother, then "your mom" was not a very good insult, if it had ever even been good to begin with.

"My mom?" Al repeated with an amused tone to his voice. Ed just pouted and crossed his arms, stomping on foot angrily against the floor of the train. "Can't respond, Brother?" Al added with a slight laugh to his voice.

"Oh, shut up," Ed muttered, his pout deepening.

"It's okay, Brother, we all knew that I eventually win all our arguments anyway," Al assured him amusedly, reaching over to pat Ed on the back.

"Only because I'm the mature one who decides to gracefully decline," Ed said, trying to save at least a small bit of his dignity.

"Yeah, I'll let you say that," Al laughed. Ed sighed and leaned his head against the back of the seat, closing his eyes. He had managed to lose to Al twice in one day, but at least he wouldn't be bored anymore.

**Battle of wits fun:D And no, I wasn't the only one involved in the making of this. Agent000 is responsible for playing the part of Al in this while I played Ed. I pretty much kept all the dialog the same, other than getting rid of chat emotions, of course. And on a side note, I hit 25 fanfics:D Paaar-taaay!!**


End file.
